Madeline Wyndzen wrote this autobiography in 1998 as she entered graduate school in developmental psychology and began transitioning from male to female. Following the autobiography are follow-up essays written during graduate school. Maddie is working on a 10-year retrospective about her topsy-turvy path redefining her gender identity and becoming a professor.

Citation: Wyndzen, M. H. (1998). Gender identity disorder case study or an autobiography of a transsexual psychology graduate student? All mixed up: A transgendered psychology professor's perspective on life, the psychology of gender, & "gender identity disorder". Available: http://www.GenderPsychology.org/gid_case_study/

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Gender Identity Disorder (GID) Case Study or an Autobiography of a Transsexual Psychology Graduate Student?

I've tried over and over again to write an autobiography. I've tried over and over again to try and express how I've felt throughout my life and how everything fits together and how that led me to transitioning from male to female. But no matter how hard I try it never really seems to come out of me so nicely. My thoughts and feelings about my whole life are so convoluted; maybe that's the thing that's true-to-form when I write because somehow fact after fact never really conveys what I'm trying ot express. My 'solution' for the first version of my autobiography was to describe incidents in isolation and show how that string of events fits together. They do. But I read it again recently (something that's a lot harder to do that it seems like it should be) and I can't help but feel how stale a portrait it paints of me. Somehow I suceeded in getting the convulted writing out of my autobiography. But that also took me out of my autobiography. How do I keep myself in my own story? Where should I begin? At the beginning? I don't know if I can because sometimes I really need to express things that happened more recently before I can express the meaning of something from an earlier day. It's even harder because writing about something so personal is so emotonally draining. Just so I can manage the overwhelming hope of writings an autobiography, I decided to write many little self-contained essays instead. But if you read them in order suggested they hopefully share something about my life. I know this is not as sensible as a chronological tale. But my only hope is that by leaving my story difficult to read I might leave my story easier to understand.

Confusion about what comes as Pretty Natural Maybe this is the preface to my autobiography? It's my reflections of how subtle the forces that teach us gender really are. It's also my reflection on how coming out taught me something about who I am. I guess it's my expression of how uncomplicated transsexuality really is even if all our intellectualizations make it so convulted.

What little boys and girls are made of I guess to some people this is obvious, but it took me a long time to really understand that boys and girls are different. I mean, I knew boys and girls were different but I didn't know how important society thinks gender is. Eventually I did learn society's view that boys and girls are essentially different. But unfortunately I probably also started ot learn society's view that being a boy is better than being a girl.

Solutions that Didn't Work When I was in elementary and middle school I felt my problem was not being good at boyhood. So I practiced being a good boy.

A Solution that kind of Worked Eventually I decided all my problems were because I had emotions. So I tried to stop being so emotional. But, though it kind of worked, that led to more problems like crossdressing.

Finding Answers After I started crossdressing I read about transvesites and transsexuals. Transsexual sounded more like me but they never crossdress, At least according to the old books I found. So how could I reconcile this contradiction and figure out how I am?

Overcoming Internalized Sexism? How to reconcile my feminist beliefs is my only unresolved issue about my transsexuality. And that's not because of radical feminists writings so much. It's mainly because of my awareness of how I have internalized patriarchical values.

Resolving the Struggle Deep Inside Me Even once I could say to myself that I was a transsexual, it still took e several years to decide to transition. I though I could just 'be myself' which I somehow once thought could be a feminine boy.

Therapy at a Gender Identity Clinic This is my experiences going to a gender identity clinic. I have horror stories but I also feel like I have personal triumphs. As part of this essay I have some feelings to share with both other transsexuals and other psychologists.

Coming Out to My Psychology Department How did I tell an entire department of psychologists that I have the mental illness Gender Identity Disorder? And how did they respond? Here's the story and the text of a letter I sent around the department and some of the responses I got back.

Am I happy? This is a letter I wrote to my parents after I had been full-time half a year. It's my attempt to answer their question, "Are you happy?"

Looking Back at My Emotions This is something I wrote over a year after the letter to my parents. It's a retrospective look at the roles emotions and analytical thinking have played in my life.

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about    |    contact    |    search    |    translate    |    link    |    history I hope visiting All Mixed Up Perspectives on Transgenderism and 'Gender Identity Disorder' was helpful and informative for you. It's taken a lot for me to figure out who I am and where I fit in the world. Part of how I now see myself is why I share these experiences with you. It's because of your visits that I continue developing this web-site! I would greatly appreciate if you would consider putting a link on your site to my site. Copyright ©1998 to 2008 Madeline H. Wyndzen, Ph. D. @ GenderPsychology.org; All Rights Reserved on writing, web design, and graphic design.